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Then he reminded me of why I chose to seek help. It was Olivia’s parting words, wondering what Dad would have thought if he could have seen me at my worst.“From there, the doctor hit me with another unpleasant fact. He said I didn’t like myself very much. I was using my anger to mask the thought that I was imperfect now, handicapped, unable to do my job, unable to be the whole person I expected myself to be. By then I’d learned not to argue with his opinions. He’d hit home too often for me to second guess his statements. Now I was really upset. He’d stripped away all the things I was using to protect myself and excuse myself for my behavior. I had no idea what to do next. At that point, he offered an opinion.“He said I needed to find something that would bring me genuine sustainable pleasure. Not some short-term ‘happy-fix, ‘ but something I could involve myself in that would bring me satisfaction and restore my belief in myself. Whether it was some community service work, or. " Her right arm tightened around my side."Hey. Are you awake?" I guess." You feel good here." Uuhhmm. I know." I could stay like this forever." Good." But I've got to pee." Noooo." Sorry, Babe. Nature calls."She released her grip on me and rolled off me, on her side, her back to me. She held the blankets tightly to her."Go ahead. Leave me all alone to freeze to death." Sorry. I love you." Go on. Get out of here."I got up and went into the bathroom. It's amazing how much urine the male body is able to accumulate before it has to dispose of it. I know it wasn't that long, but it seemed like I'd been in front of the toilet for five minutes when I heard someone pounding on the door."Jack. Come on. I need to go."It occurred to me that this was a crossroads of our relationship. My mouth, tongue or fingers had been in or on almost every part of her body. As had hers with mine. But the use of the toilet is considered to be one of the most private actions of a person in this society. It's not.
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